If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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