No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
