i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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