It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
