I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
