how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
