I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
