Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
