I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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