I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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