apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
