Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
