I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
