Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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