sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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