I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize