Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
