why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
