Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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