There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
