Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
we're so committed to being not committed
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize