Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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