I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
