Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
