ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
