Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
