I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you inspire me to be a worse person
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
