if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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