the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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