I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
