And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
