I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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