Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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