My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I am available for nakedness
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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