I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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