I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
