I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
