just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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