I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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