we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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