I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize