the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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