3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
