when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
