this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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