dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
