Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
