I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
