I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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