So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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