This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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