proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She's not a foreskin expert like you
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
