Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
