I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
