Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
