I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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