Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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