Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
