Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
