alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
