look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
