Is it because I queefed?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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